Life Archives - Get Smart Before You Get Sexy

Rosa Parks Day! More than just a story!

Nourbese December 2, 2016 0 Comments

by James Horton on December 1

As the story has been told, sixty-one years ago today, a Thursday, Rosa Parks, a tailor’s assistant at the Montgomery department store, left work in the late, cold evening, to catch the bus home. Sore and tired, Parks boarded and took an aisle seat, in the row immediately behind the whites only section. At each stop, more passengers boarded, until finally every seat was taken, leaving one white male standing. It was the era of Old Jim Crow, blacks were a class of lives that Segregation customs in 1955 Montgomery stipulated that Blacks must relinquish their seats to whites when the situation is required. This was a situation. When Parks, however, was asked to give up her seat, she did the opposite of what was required. She kept seated.

She proudly stepped into criminal terrain where she was arrested and jailed. Her calm labor pains, so the story goes, birthed a boycott, a movement, and a young Martin Luther King, Jr. to the world.

Today is Rosa Parks Day. (Well, technically speaking, two days are set aside to observe Mrs. Parks. One on Dec. 1, the other on Feb 4, her birthday) After facing such a pivotal election, I want to honor the occasion by inviting everyone to reconsider the scope of history we’ve faced.

THIS STORY

CONTINUES BELOW

Rosa Parks was the result of ancestors, and her ancestors the work generations before her. She was the product of the communal frustration that had been churning in black southerners since the end of Reconstruction; of scarred slaves and apprehensive free persons who had spent their lifetime fighting and dying for the great cause of human equity for black lives and, by extension, all lives. Many of their names are lost to time. Her life WAS activism, and for that reason on December 1955, we can never forget Rosa Parks Day!

Straight Out of Rape Culture

Kristina Meyers June 30, 2016 0 Comments

In April 2016 the Women’s Leadership Project and Young Male Scholars’ in collaboration with Get Smart B4 U Get Sexy facilitated a workshop entitled “Straight Out of Rape Culture”.

Women of color have the highest rates of sexual assault, sexual harassment and sex trafficking in the U.S.

Our workshop focused on answering questions like:

Do media images in music and videos play a role?
What are common myths and stereotypes about rape and sexual harassment?
What do you need to know about creating a healthy relationship with your partner?
And how can men and boys be part of the solution in stopping violence against women of color?

Excerpt from Workshop: Our facilitators ask students to respond to our rape culture survey. Here is a student explaining why she disagrees with the statement: “There are certain types of women that deserve to be sexually harassed”

Valuing Ourselves

Nourbese December 17, 2015 0 Comments

Valuing ourselves is a key ingredient in any relationship.

When we value ourselves, we believe we deserve respect, kindness and honesty. We must know this when entering a relationship. If we don’t know this when we enter a relationship, it is easy to believe we just got “lucky,” or that we hit the jackpot by finding a person to love us. But that is not the truth, you are valuable with or without a date, partner or boo. And when you do find someone, their love and affection is a response to who You are…not what you can give sexually, financially or emotionally.

We must learn to balance the love we have for ourselves with the love we have for our partners.

How To Claim Your Sexuality

Kristina Meyers July 15, 2015 0 Comments

By Monica Groves

The media is permeated with images of Black female promiscuity, ass, ass, ass, being objectified by men, and violence.

The overriding message is to devalue black womanhood…and more ass. There are times when Black women in America are lost. There are times when Black women in America don’t know who they are, so how do we redraw the lines and claim our sexuality?

Get to know your body. Self-Exploration is key in getting to know what you like. Society has programmed women to think that sex is for the pleasure of the man, but with self-love and a renewed focus on your pleasure sex can be about both of you.

Openly communicate with your partner. Your partner won’t know what you like if you don’t tell them. To make the experience better for both of you have a conversation about your likes, dislikes, fantasies, and limits, etc.

Know your history. There’s often inaction due to fear. To combat fear, read the story and history of Black women by Black women. In addition, take a look at the images and messages about Black female sexuality that are prevalent today. Having a better understanding of your past and present and differentiating the Black woman’s truth from society’s dominating harmful imagery that is not created by Black women for Black women allows you to clear your mind and be in command of your sexual future for yourself.

Talk to your Doctor. If you have any sexual or reproductive concerns talk to your doctor. Any issues can be treated and your fears squashed by getting answers from a medical professional. They can also help you create the best reproductive health plan for your lifestyle.

Have standards. Don’t go looking for love in all the wrong places. Claiming your sexuality doesn’t mean humping indiscriminately. Be free, but be smart. Know that you are sacred and recognize the power of your vagina.

When to Get Tested For an STD …

Kristina Meyers July 8, 2015 One Comment

So…something happened

Either you or your partner is experiencing some odd body changes (bumps, colored discharge, bleeding during sex…) or you had unprotected sex with someone you just weren’t too sure about their status and you are starting to feel a little paranoid. First thing to do is breathe, relax and know that getting tested is your sure way to identify your health status. Breathe again and know that if anything did happen most sexually transmitted infections are curable with antibiotics. After you identify where the closest or farthest health center is from your house or work lets figure out when you had unprotected sex. Why is this important? Tests for different sexually transmitted infections have different window periods of accuracy. Lets take a look at the timeline of efficacy:

Chlamydia – Accurate tests 14 days after unprotected sex.
Gonorrhea – Accurate tests 7 days after unprotected sex.
Both Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are notorious for showing no symptoms leading them to go under the radar for most people. If there are to be symptoms, look out for burning urination, bleeding after or during sex or bleeding in between periods, greenish discharge.
HIV – 3 months after unprotected sex the test will be 97% accurate. 6 months after unprotected sex the test will be 100% accurate. Why so long? Most tests are looking for antibodies to HIV and it can take 3 – 6 months for antibodies to start showing up on tests.
Herpes – If you believe that you might be experiencing a herpes outbreak it is important to be screened as soon as possible before the sores scab over to ensure an accurate viral culture. A culture is when a health provider takes a sample of skin that is infected that will be tested on and looked under a microscope. Sores can be described as being painful, burning sensations. Most people have been exposed to herpes even though you may never have symptoms. Your exposure can be detected through a blood test but this test will never let you know when that exposure may have happened.
Syphilis – Accurate tests after 10 – 30 days (this is the time frame when generally the first stage of syphilis can happen which are similar to sores but called chancres and can go unnoticed because chancres are generally painless).

At the Health Center

Most tests are done through urine, mouth swab or a quick finger prick for a blood sample.

However, if you are experiencing symptoms it is important to not be shy and speak up since it will help you have more appropriate resources at your disposal. You will likely be screened appropriately based on what you might be experiencing but know that you have patient rights so it is always your right to have a nonjudgmental, culturally appropriate experience at health centers so always advocate for yourself. For women, vaginal smears are looking for both common vaginal infections that aren’t always sexually related and sexually related infections like Trichomoniasis (“Trich”). If you are experiencing symptoms it is important to ask for an exam because then you can be screened for all infections including Trichomoniasis (“Trich”) which isn’t included in general STI testing because a vaginal swab needs to be taken.

Some vaginal symptoms to look out for: itching, burning or irritation in the vagina, yellowish, greenish or gray discharge, thicker than normal discharge, bleeding during/after sex. For males be open about where and for how long you have been experiencing symptoms so that the health care provider can take a look and possibly a culture if needed. The body is a complex machine that we don’t always think about until something strays from the usual. Most sexually transmitted infections do not show symptoms and go undetected for some time so talking to partners and getting tested or deciding to always use barrier methods is crucial. Assessing what risk factors you are open to and not comfortable with is important for maintaining good health while also being able to express this to partners. If you have an intimate partner who you might not be comfortable having that conversation with at all then maybe that can be taken into consideration as to if that person may be worth your time.

Have additional questions? Ask Get Smart Get Sexy.

Decolonizing the Black Woman’s Sense of Self

Kristina Meyers July 8, 2015 0 Comments

African American woman staring into the distance

By Mo Groves

Decolonize (de·col·o·nize) – To Free from Colonial Status. To allow to become self-governing or independent.

As Black women we live in a world where white reigns. There are countless instances where we perpetuate and value European colonial ideals because unbeknownst to us; we have been beaten with messages of self-hate. In growing more conscious I have started to see some of my own behaviors that reinforce the European Colonial Ideal.

I have found myself longing for the curls the mixed girls have. If I could just have that pretty, springy bouncy, loose golden-red curls like Freddie from “A Different World” I’d be in there. That thought reinforces the dogma of good hair vs. bad hair. In my mind I have bad hair because I’m not mixed. I am valuing the whiteness.

I find myself in “professional” settings code-switching because I have been taught that the way I naturally speak is not professional, not appropriate, not white enough. So I over-enunciate things trying to meet the European Colonial Ideal.

Even as a child, Black dolls weren’t readily available to poor black people. It was either a white doll or nothing. The lack of positive images of Black girls and women teaches little Black girls that there is no value in Blackness. You find little girls aspiring to be like their white dolls. Straight hair, light eyes, and fair skin.

Chinweizu, author of The West and the Rest of Us: White Predators, Black Slavers, and the African Elite, wrote: “The central objective in decolonizing the African mind is to overthrow the authority that alien traditions exercise over the African. This demands the dismantling of white supremacist beliefs, and the structures which uphold them, in every area of African life. It must be stressed, however, that decolonization does not mean ignorance of foreign traditions; it simply means denial of their authority and withdrawal of allegiance from them.”

In line with Chinweizu’s position on decolonizing the African mind, Black women must consciously nullify the power of the European Colonial Ideal by embracing their curves, kinky hair, and melanin in spite of societal pressure to act, look and embrace the alien ideals of colonialism. Black women must create outlets and safe places to share positive images, common experiences, empowering stories to invalidate the degradation they suffer at the hands of a Eurocentric world. We must perpetuate our own agenda by living an authentic life filled with self-love, active support of each other, and the constant seeking of knowledge to bridge the educational and spiritual gap between the Diaspora and the essence of Mother Africa.
Source: http://atlantablackstar.com/2013/11/18/dynamics-domination-6-steps-arabs-europeans-used-establish-dominion-black-people/3/

What is Sex?

Kristina Meyers April 24, 2015 0 Comments

For some sex can be a simple equation “intimacy + pleasure = sex”

… but then to many sex is something that can vary greatly and can hold its own range of binaries: “good/bad,” “healthy/traumatic,” “affirmed/stigmatized,” “with self/with others.” We have an expectation that sex is intimate, stimulates pleasure, it’s the bridging of the emotional, spiritual and physical. However, for some sex may not be any of these things. When we came together on April 4th at #sexspeaks we – a group of Women of Color – answered this question “what is sex?” and here are some of our responses to start the conversation…

Sex is the expression of one’s intimate needs. It’s a quest for pleasure.

Intimacy – physical & emotional but also oral, vaginal, anal, consensual.

Sacred, intense, feel good exchange of passion.

A conversation, dialogue, intimacy, self-expression.

Something that can vary greatly! – (good/bad), (healthy/traumatic), (affirmed/stigmatized), (with self/with others)

Loving yourself enough to share emotions and physical self with someone special.

Sex = intimacy + pleasure

Intimacy = Love

Physical connection

The act of an expression of the power and love which we all hold within.

Human

A physical check-in with your intimate partner.

Appreciating someone else while appreciating yourself.

Sex can make you feel the closest to someone or the furthest away from someone.

Sex can be an experience that can be engaged on an individual level or with one or more partners. Sex does not “require that individuals or their partners are a certain gender, or that a person’s body looks or acts a given way or has a certain set of abilities. Some people engage with sex later in life, some may decide not to. Sex is highly individual and isn’t based on a person’s gender, sexual orientation, age, shape or size, race, character, religion or anything else like that.”

Sex is a variety of many things and there is no right or wrong way to engage or participate but at Get Smart B4U Get Sexy we support only consensual behavior and do not support nonconsensual behavior and sex. We believe that sex involves wants, freely choosing and agreeing to do and actively participating in – no one should ever feel pressured or forced to do anything that they don’t want.

Sex is many things but one thing that is crucial to sex is communication!

Communication that is honest, expressive; which supports and acknowledges all acting participants’ voices. Communication that respects different opinions, ideas and wants. Communication that balances power and does not support oppressive systems and silencing.

Communication that openly discusses everything and where no one is shamed for any question or answer, for example…

How does that feel?

That feels great. I like to be kissed before doing anything else…

Would you want to do this _____ ?

No but I am interested in this ________. Is that something you are interested in?

When was the last time you were tested or had unprotected sex?

I use condoms with any new partner. I was last tested a month ago and I haven’t had any new partners. My test results were negative for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV.
I was tested 6 months ago and tested positive for chlamydia. I got treatment and got retested 3 months afterwards and my results have since been negative.

Do you like to cuddle after sex?

I sometimes fall asleep after sex so please don’t take offense if I do and can’t cuddle.
I like to be cuddled after sex.
I don’t want to be cuddled.

Daring to ask questions and being brave in being truthful to your response is hard but it is vital in really creating trusting, healthy relationships. If you feel that you don’t feel safe asking or responding to a question take that as a sign that this may or may not be the best situation for you and that sex may be out of the question.
There should be no shame in asking questions nor shame in your response so if there is a sense of uncertainty this could be a clear indicator that you may be in a questionable situation where you are not going to experience a life giving, affirming, pleasurable, respectful…experience. Know yourself and make your own decision before someone makes a choice for you that may go against what you want. Questions are a way for us to assess a situation; asking questions can be a survival instinct and can spark innovation. Welcome questions and be prepared for answers and always acknowledge the important questions around consent!

Communication is key because it allows us to actively be in control of what we want and don’t want. By breaking silences and discussing everything we can feel more in charge of our safety, health and well-being. Sex is many things but communication is everything to sex.

Have communication questions around sex?
Ask Get Smart B4U Get Sexy.
Send questions to krissy@bwwla.com.

[1] Scarleteen, “What’s Sex?” http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/whats_sex

#sexspeaks

Kristina Meyers April 14, 2015 0 Comments

On April 4th at #sexspeaks, we – female identifying Women of Color – came together in an intimate space for storytelling, reflection, dialogue and healing.

We found time to reflect, share and explore ways we – as Women of Color – practice self love. As Women of Color we often times are expected to be everything and everywhere for others and often times we put other’s needs before ours which can jeopardize not only our sanity but our health and overall well-being. In our #sexspeaks space we thought it would essential to ask and discuss self love practices.

Some of us are still working on it and we know we could def do better at this but lets honor ways that we currently hold space for ourselves to practice self care and self love. This list was created by women from #sexspeaks and our response to the question:

How Do You Practice Self Love?

1. Saying NO

This can be a hard act but it is often times the most radical thing one can do to practice caring and loving for oneself. As women it is important to be aware of our wants, needs, desires and vision of how we walk in this world in order to understand who we are, to act in accordance to ourselves and truly be present in how we want to move, act and support community in this world. Saying No helps us build healthy support and boundaries to maintain moving in the direction of where we want to be. Oftentimes we find ourselves putting other tasks or people before ourselves even when we know that it might not be life giving and in support of who we are.

So lets practice Saying No. Saying no helps us maintain healthy boundaries.

Before saying No, reflect on: will this suck life out or breathe life in?

Reflect on this Mantra – Saying No does not make me selfish. Saying No means I recognize that not all things need my energy. Saying No helps me honor my commitments. It is important to fill myself up first so that I have something to give to others.

2. Being Still, Finding Silence, Me Time, Time for Self Reflection, Meditation.

Meditation can look different for everyone. Sometimes, it is simply just finding space to yourself to find your breath, sit still, stretch, observe the environment you are in …

Writing: in a journal, writing my morning pages.
Rub down with coconut oil
Painting my nails
It is hard but allowing myself to cry and be emotional; release
Positive self talk and compassion for my needs
Prayer
Brain Games – like Sudoku, crosswords, puzzles, writing poetry, etc.
Being present and clear so that I am able to know and hear myself
Self-evaluating
Reminding myself of my strong characteristics
Art
Hiking with myself and with my Bé
Reading.

3. Eating Right!

Eating good food and being aware of what we fuel our bodies with is important for sustaining our energy, strength, and happiness. Also, enjoy foods that fuel you on a spiritual, nutritional, cultural level … enjoy foods that connect you to family, friends, traditions or culture. Food is a building bridge for community – meals bring people together and if you may be far from family or friends eating a meal can connect you to those who you may love and miss.

What recipes bring you joy?

Check out Food Heaven Made Easy for some yummy recipes:
http://www.foodheavenmadeeasy.com/

4. Movement!

Movement – being active is healing and it is good for the body and can release stress, increase endorphins to elevate mood, energy and happiness levels…how do we move?

Hiking with myself and with my Bé
Exercise, traveling, tennis,
Yoga
Pleasure Inducing, Hot, Sweaty Sex
Twerking
Dancing along to Beyonce and youtube videos
Masturbation – Self Pleasure – Body Exploration – Pleasure Exploration
Laughing – a good, hard, bellyful laugh always fills the soul and moves the body in a way to feel refreshed.

5. Being Mindful of the Company We Keep

Surround yourself with positive people who support and acknowledge you! Being mindful of those around you and separating ties from those who may hold you down, don’t think of your needs as important can be a very liberating practice and support in bringing more sanity, safety and happiness for you in the long run.

6. Having great friendships – surrounding myself with those who understand my worth.

7. Find Time to Rest and Sleep!

Sleep is healing and is a time to recharge. Want to try mindful sleeping? Slow yourself down before going to bed by finding your breath, stretch before sleep and ask yourself a question and see how that question may affect your dreams when you awake. Before going to bed spray lavender or chamomile on your pillow and enjoy a sweet sleep.

Mucho love,

#sexspeaks

Songs to Help Set that Special Mood

Kristina Meyers February 13, 2015 0 Comments

Janet Jackson "That's the way Love Goes" Video Thumbnail

Not exclusive to Valentine’s Day/Evening

Love makin’, sexy time … or just “get your freak on time” sometimes requires pre-planning and conversations with your partner(s) about what they like, don’t like, sexually transmitted infection history to allergies (latex can be a common allergy for some people).

So, besides planning the logistics (time, place, condoms, birth control, candles, massage oil…) Get Smart B4U Get Sexy has a list of song recommendations that can help you set the tone so you have one less thing to worry about. Have other songs to add to the list? Leave a comment and we will be sure to update!

Tweet “Way to Love”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yloOFfb8gjE

Raheem DeVaughn “You”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD9-RnX2gQQ

Musiq Soulchild “So Beautiful”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgPpowVNEfE

Janet Jackson “That’s the Way Love Goes”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUOkg4jFNus

The Isley Brothers “Between the Sheets”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glhdcJ7K3XM

Beyonce & Justin Timberlake “Until the End of Time”

112 “Peaches and Cream”

Nina Simone “I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbKlvWvpD2g

Ginuwine “Pony”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnoG2dsUk0

Kelly Rowland “Motivation”

Color Me Bad “I Wanna Sex You Up”

Goapele “Closer”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu3ow7hvEXQ

Etta James “I Just Want to Make Love to You”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJiL5siOqqw

Bob Marley “Guava Jelly”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCoAP43lujk

Lauryn Hill & D’Angelo “Nothing Even Matters”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzEq3qMLToM

Janet Jackson “The Pleasure Principle”

J Holiday “Bed”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82t_UOMHPJY

Ciara “Ride”

Roberta Flack “I Feel Like Making Love”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2a89KJV4os

The Four Tops “Baby, I Need Your Loving”

Bob Marley feat. Lauryn Hill “Turn Your Lights Down Low”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VitKvID-uvY

Michael Jackson “PYT”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zvS4TppP4I

Aaliyah “Rock the Boat”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVMcIEPZ9YY

TLC “Red Light Special”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP2t9LBeAwo

D’Angelo “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1WGn7da0co

Marvin Gaye “Sexual Healing”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjlSiASsUIs

1. Salt-N-Pepa “Shoop”

Acknowledge My Needs: Don’t Take Me Back

Nourbese February 1, 2015 0 Comments

Photo of unhappy couple distressed about sex

Yvonne Wynter

I crawled into his embrace as I tried to think of us as something normal.

But in fact we weren’t even an “us” – a couple, partners or some form of a unit. We only lived in the moment together; casual friends who also happened to move together in similar and different ways through breathing, friction and moans. We didn’t have sex all the time but when we did either one of us would leave afterwards to return home, or depending on how tired we were, we would make room for the other in the bed that we had just fooled around in. On this particular night I felt more and wanted there to be more between us but knew that this fantasy could not be a reality because there was nothing more at hand. I had already been objectified, rejected for someone else by this person, but somehow every 3 months there was a text, an invitation or a social media conversation that had us right back at square one – hanging out again as new friends, getting to know each other and maybe eventually we would find ourselves in a passionate “friends with benefits” kiss.

He had told me “Damn, I have been messing around with white girls for too long; Black girls are the real deal.” I felt flattered by his compliment and it was great to have an attractive brotha-who-should-be-dating-the-sistahs acknowledge that he wasn’t giving us any love, but in the end he was only using me and my body for an exchange – for him to feel pleasure without any real commitment to me or my feelings. I thought that after this comment he would choose me, but his idea of love and relationships was only reserved for someone or something else and I was left in the shadows. After a night of hooking up and me initiating a conversation about relationships and him addressing that he wasn’t ready for one, I laid back in bed thinking that he needed space and that I was being respectful by accepting and acknowledging his needs. However, when I invited him to hang out the next day, he texted back saying the idea of hanging out was tempting but he couldn’t. Tempting? I was confused. We had acknowledged that we were friends last night,friends that may enjoy conversations and hanging out even after having sex…why would it be tempting to hang out? I thought about it with no reason as to why he would use this language except for trying to be playful. I responded, “Tempting?” His response: “I just can’t justify hanging out with other women.” “What?” Was this some riddle I needed to find the answer to? “Explain,” I shot back. To my astonishment he responded that he couldn’t justify hanging out with other women because he was in a relationship with someone else. I was flabbergasted. Had we not just spoken the night before about relationships and had he not stated he wasn’t ready? What had I misread or misheard from the previous night? I was confused, shocked and felt used. How could someone lie blatantly to someone else? We had acknowledged our relationship as friends who sometimes hook up, so why was it hard for him to say there was someone else in the picture, especially if that other person didn’t want him seeing other women. At that moment I was thankful we had always used condoms. I know that even by using condoms during penetrative sex there is still a risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) but that was a low risk we were both open to since we had previously talked about our STI testing history and current situation.

I was hurt– no lie- because I felt I had put more energy into our friendly exchanges than he had. I felt stupid and kept thinking that I should have known better, that I could have avoided this. Yes, I could have had more hindsight, but I didn’t. What did I learn? That you can’t control other people’s emotions, nor their actions. That at the end of the day we can’t put ourselves down if someone doesn’t give us the respect that we know we deserve. We can only state what we want and be prepared for the affirmation of yes, or no, and move accordingly. And that begins by not being afraid to ask for what we want.
I am worthy of love, respect and enjoying my sexuality.

How do I get smart b4 I get sexy?

By acknowledging my needs at the moment and asking myself questions to make me more aware of how I will and want to be involved with someone. Am I open to casual sex? Do I want an open relationship? Do I know their relationship or STI status? Do I prefer a committed relationship at the moment? Asking myself some of these questions prepares me before I get sexy, so that I know I am always making the right decision based on my needs and wants.

Have a narrative or writing piece to share with Get Smart B4U Get Sexy?

Send writing submission or call 323.290.5955 to learn more about the Get Smart Get Sexy Writers team within Black Women for Wellness’ Get Smart B4U Get Sexy campaign.
Get Smart B4U Get Sexy is a movement that wants to know how can we support one another in being smart and sexy, and to make sure that we are creating a sexual and reproductive health culture that is safe, consensual, affirming, nonjudgmental, pleasurable and addresses all our diverse needs, as we are the ones in charge of our reproductive, sexual health and well-being.